Solitaire
by something someone said
Summary: For a year Natsume sees two lovers and for a year Natsume wonders what he wants.  Natsume x Tanuma, Natsume x Taki, Natori x Natsume.


Disclaimer: I don't own Natsume Yuujinchou.

Warnings: implied sexuality/sensuality. Natsume x Tanuma, Taki and Natori x Natsume

_Solitaire_

* * *

><p>When Natsume was younger he used to look at himself naked in the mirror. Sometimes, after just getting out of the bath, he'd see the floor length mirror and stare at the slight curve of his arm just above his elbow, the narrowness of his hips, the water droplets as they clung to his hair and rolled gently down the slope of his cheek.<p>

As a child he never felt any shame in it. His body, standing right there before him, reminded him that he was real. Not like the spirits he would see sometimes, their forms drifting into the mist like steam from the bath he had just gotten out of. He was something they were not, and in a selfish way he'd smile and the reflection would smile right back at him. He was _alive._

But there was always something a little more. A feeling that existed just above the plane of what his elementary school vocabulary could describe. Something pure, that he knew was only meant for him to feel.

One day, his foster relative discovered him. "What a shameful child!" she had said, putting her hand to her nose as if she had smelled something rotten.

And it was the first time Natsume had ever felt shame in something that another _could_ see.

* * *

><p>It begins when he's walking to school. It's just a boy and a girl, holding hands as they walk together, as they laugh together. And though they're only a few steps away from him the couple are worlds away from Natsume.<p>

He's jealous of them. He wants to be the girl, laughing at her boyfriend's pointless, unfunny jokes. He wants to be the boy, holding that small hand in his like it's the most precious thing in the world.

He wants to be both of them and feel that special feeling that only two people can enjoy.

He's jealous.

* * *

><p>He starts with Tanuma, because Tanuma is a little lonely. A little trustworthy. Just a little fun.<p>

Or that's what Natsume says as he enters Tanuma's guest room. "Just a little fun."

And Tanuma and him roll on the floor, kissing each other until they're out of breath. It's nothing like when the yokai touch him, limbs feeling everything. This time it's hands, hands everywhere until he's dizzy and the light on the ceiling looks like two spirits trying to intertwine.

But when Natsume opens his eyes he's on the floor, smelling Tanuma's and his sweat in the high summer, a loneliness comes over him like a late winter chill and he feels cold.

Tanuma moves in, to touch him? kiss him? He doesn't know but he sits up and gently bats the hand away.

"It was just a little fun, right?" He asks and gives Tanuma no choice but to agree.

* * *

><p>It's fall before he starts feeling jealous again. This time he sees the couple, still holding hands but walking ever closer to one another. They're cold. They're trying to stay close to each other for warmth. Natsume can understand that. But he can't understand the look she gives him, like he's the only person in the world.<p>

Natsume continues walking. He tries to ignore them. But he can't get them out of his head.

Because the next day it's him and Taki behind the wall and he looks at her. Soft cheeks a little flushed. Lips a little chapped from the weather. Her whisper brings him closer.

"Hey, doesn't your friend think we're dating?" She says it in the smallest voice possible.

He gives a one worded affirmation.

She giggles and moves in. Now her chest bumps against his every time she takes a breath. And it should feel wrong, he thinks, or bad, or good. Because Nishimura likes her. Because Taki is just a friend. Because they're a boy and a girl behind a wall.

He lets a few seconds pass by where there is only breath, and the gentle rising and falling of both their chests coming to meet one another. But in those seconds he doesn't feel anything so he steps away.

She giggles again. "I see, I see," she says and goes on her way, like a girl who has just found out a particularly juicy piece of gossip.

* * *

><p>That winter he didn't see the couple. They could have been bundled up in their winter clothes so he didn't recognize them or maybe they broke up.<p>

He doesn't let it bother him. He watches the snow fall on his way to school and enjoys the sharp feel of the air as he inhales.

That winter Natori asks him to join him for an exorcism. At first he wants to refuse, but Nyanko-Sensei says there are some hot springs in the area and so he's helpless but to accept.

He tells Touko that he's going skiing with a friend for a few days and though she is concerned at first, Shigeru says it's a good opportunity to get some fire in his blood. Bring a good coat, she says and hurries into a closet to find one of Shigeru's older ones.

It's out of style but it's warm. It smells of the house he lives in now. He's thankful for it.

* * *

><p>Natori explains that his family has used this place for a long time. To Natsume, it looks like a simple cabin, rustic and smelling of wood and mountain air. He drops his duffle bag on the floor.<p>

Nyanko-Sensei announces he's going off to the hot springs and he's gone. Just like that. Natsume doesn't blame him. If he's needed he'll come, he always does.

Natori has started a fire and now the warmth is spreading throughout the cabin. Natsume takes off Shigeru's coat as he moves closer to the fire. He can feel the heat consume him and wonders about the exorcism.

"Is it in a cave around here?" He asks.

"A cave?"

"The ayakashi."

Natori shrugs and Natsume understands. He understands that the other doesn't want him to understand what's going on.

He focuses on the fire, the flames in a dance around the wood. He thinks he should say something, like in the movies, reminisce about some cliched memory - a family camping trip when he was younger. How scary it was being in the woods, the darkness, the sounds. How the fire comforted him and let him know that he wasn't alone.

But Natsume doesn't have any memories like that. And he's always been alone.

That's when Natori catches him in a kiss- more than a kiss. His whole body surrenders to the opposing weight. He feels alarmed, then frightened and then he gives in.

Natori is much better at fooling around than Tanuma and he's bolder than Taki. He gets Natsume out of his shirt faster than it takes the lizard on his cheek to climb across the bridge of his nose.

Then Natsume's down, lying on Shigeru's coat, smelling home, and the mountain, and the fire and temptation.

He gives in. Natori has worked his pants off and he's breathless and wanting more. As fingers trace along Natsume's thigh he gasps, his blood rushes and he trembles.

"Are you surprised?" The other asks, a rough and guttural whisper that is so different from his usual calm.

Natsume just manages to respond in the negative. He's not surprised at Natori or his own body. He knows both have been waiting a long time.

Then Natori undresses himself and Natsume knows there's no turning back. That Natori will claim him with hungry kisses and anxious sighs.

And he lets him. He begs release for the desires that have plagued him for so long, and better Natori, who can see youkai and can come close to understanding him, than anyone else.

Because it'll just be this once. This cabin in the mountain. These kisses and words of affection. This rush as Natori takes him to the edge of insanity and joy.

It'll just be this once because as his body reacts to such pleasures his mind stays numb.

He does not want Natori and never will.

* * *

><p>It's spring when Natsume realizes that the couple he's been seeing are youkai. He does not know why he didn't realize it sooner. Perhaps because they are harmless. Perhaps because they never noticed Natsume, too captivated with themselves.<p>

Natsume hurries in their opposite direction. The spring brings rain and by the time he gets home he's soaked.

Touko greets him, tuttuts about the weather and he's pushed into the bath. Natsume relaxes as he listen to the rain pour outside. He is calm. Not jealous like in the summer, not anxious like in the fall and not sensitive from winter's touch. Just calm.

In time he'll rise from the bath and dry himself off. In time he'll comb his hair and look at himself in the mirror.

In time he'll see his reflection and decide that it's always ever been enough.

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><p>AN: I don't know when I last checked, but there weren't many M-rated Natsume Yuujinchou fics on this site. Maybe this is a good thing. I like NY for what it is. But then sometimes I want to read between the lines, force romance where there isn't any. So I compromised with this fic. Because, I figure, Natsume is a teenager just like every teenager and teenagers explore and discover, get hurt and hurt others. And it's not even about romance or love, sometimes it's about just having a little fun until it ends up being just that or something else entirely. Because I think there ought to be a little more NY fics in the world and they don't necessarily have to have anything to do with romance.


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